Pizza and Fairytales

the Avatar version of Henry Ford is a terrorist. awesome.

i kinda noticed this back in 2009ish but maybe it’s been going on before that, i don’t know. basically, the n64 is has become retro enough that it’s chic to play it openly and even spiel about how awesome it was. kinda weird i guess but in all truths i never really stopped playing it. not all the time, obviously, but ive played it occasionally because i go thru phases anyway. i still play the SNES as well. so yeah. 

one game i haven’t played in a while (as in over ten years) was the original smash bros game - the one that started it all. i have to say that even just playing it again for like twenty minutes i think it’s my favorite game in the series and i spent the better part of last week through a spree of brawl. i’ve always had a love-hate thing with both melee and brawl because both games are good but each feels like it’s missing something vital. like, melee feels incredibly unbalanced and over half the characters aren’t even any fun to use. not to say i didn’t play that game to death. i pretty much played it from the day i got it to the day brawl came out. so i got more than my money’s worth out of it. and brawl is more balanced i guess but it feels hollow in a lot of ways. it feels almost like it’s Nostalgia: The Game. just doesn’t feel as solid as the original game does. 

the original game is bare bones compared to the later two games but ironically after spending a whole decade playing melee and brawl i feel like it’s made the original better. it’s not all over complicated with all the nonsense they added in the later two games but you can still perform all the essential moves and stuff. i think the smash moves were better integrated in the later games and easier to do overall but after playing melee/brawl and going back to the original the moves are even easier to do now in the original game which is weird.

am i making sense? i don’t think i am. oh well. this is all entirely off the dome so whatever. basically what i’m saying is that i think the original game holds up way better than i thought it would especially considering the era it was created in though i guess it was created in the tail end of that era. 

also, the n64 was a pretty nifty machine even if the game selection isn’t all the expansive. oh well. good times overall.

beblach.

owl city and i are a perfect mix in a lot of way. i’m constantly lost in a world of abstract images and nonsense and like the guy behind owl city i also suffer from insomnia (though i’m not rich from it…obviously). it was during a particularly brutal insomnia binge that i actually discovered owl city. discover isn’t the right word. a friend suggested it to me. this was before or right around the time he released Maybe I’m Dreaming - his first full album - but the Owl City i first heard was his first actual release - the Of June EP - and like i said in the opening sentence; it was a perfect match. special mention goes to Fuzzy Blue Lights from that EP. it’s still my favorite song from Owl City.

his other two albums (Ocean Eyes and All Things Bright & Beautiful) along with Maybe I’m Dreaming are good, solid efforts. i actually think each is better than the last but overall i think they’re only “good”, not great. i don’t know. maybe it’s because i still kinda judge all of his output based solely on how it matches up to Of June. i dunno.

I’ve listened to some of his side projects too. Sky Sailing and Swimming With Dolphins and Port Blue. They’re okay. Actually, i think Port Blue is the best of those side projects though it’s more in tune with ambient music which i like so maybe that’s why. Sky Sailing is okay but nothing special and Swimming With Dolphins is likewise. they both kinda sound like owl city b-sides but then they *are* side projects. so yeah.

Anyway, as usual i meandered about in some pointless recap crap (recrap?) before actually talking about what i mention in the title. i’m unprofessional. so sue me. the Shooting Star EP, his newest release, is actually my favorite thing of his he’s done since Of June. and in all truths the only reason i’m even writing a post about it is because i find it somewhat odd that my two favorite things he’s done are EPs and normally i don’t really care for EPs at all. they usually sound like a single with a bunch of b-sides attached (kinda like his side projects in that respect) but i don’t know, man. i just like Owl City’s extended plays.

and i think it’s because that’s where his music works *best*. i definitely like Owl City as a whole, but i feel like his style of music just works better in small, compact punches than overextended experiences. the same is true for LIGHTS. i still think her first EP is way better than both her first and 2nd albums. although in all truths i wasn’t all that into her second EP. i only bring her up because LIGHTS and Owl City are incredibly similar in style and i’m far from the first person to notice that. electro-pop or whatever it’s called works best in small bits.

but yeah, i like Shooting Star - especially the title track. it reminds me of why i liked Owl City in the first place. 

beblach.

A hundred million stars and alien worlds filled the tired eyes of the Old Man as he sat on the roof of the Tower in the center of civilization. A telescope was positioned just a few feet away but the Old Man didn’t have any need for it. He was content with just staring up at the starry dynamo of the night with his own eyes. There were plenty of electric eyes all over the city he could use if he wanted but he wasn’t in the mood for that.  He’d rather just sit and stare up into the night sky and he was in the prime spot as only from the roof of the Tower could the naked sky being seen with the naked eye. Everywhere else in the city they had to make do with artificial lights.

                The door to the roof swung open and a young uniformed man rushed through and over to the Old Man.

                “Sir, we have a problem.”

                The Old Man turned his head slowly with a light scowl on his face for the man who’d just interrupted the one moment each day he got to himself.

                “Yes? What is it? Are the workers revolting? Again?”

                “No, sir.”

                The Old Man rubbed his eyes.

                “Is it one of those underground movements again? Bombings? Assassinations? What?”

                “None of that, sir.”

                “Alright, alright, so what is it?”

                The young uniformed gulped slightly. He wasn’t sure exactly how the Old Man would take the news exactly. The Old Man had something of a reputation for erratic reactions. The young uniformed man said, “Bums, sir. Two of them have been spotted in the city.”

                The Old Man said nothing at first which to the young uniformed man seemed like forever and a day. The last guy to deliver a message like this to the Old Man had his face blasted off with a ray gun. The young uniformed hoped such a fate wasn’t for him today. He’d like to avoid having his face blasted off with a ray gun for as long as possible.

                The Old Man laughed. This practically jolted the young uniformed man so hard he nearly leapt out of his skin. He wasn’t expecting this sort of reaction and for a minute thought he was about to get disintegrated or taken away to the Chamber or worse. Actually no, he corrected himself mentally, there’s nothing worse than that.

                The Old Man continued laughing for another two minutes before standing up and stretching. It sounded like every old bone in his body creaked and cracked as he did so. He turned around to face the young uniformed man with a wide smile beneath his gray beard. He laughed again, but briefly.

                “And why are you telling me this? I can only assume you’ve dealt with this problem already. Otherwise coming up here and disturbing me while I’m relaxing would be just rude and I don’t stand for rudeness, present case excluded obviously.” He sat back down. “Now. Tell me. Did you already deal with the situation?”

                The young uniformed man gulped once again. “Uh, well, we’re dealing with it at the moment, sir. Even as we speak I’m sure that the bums are being disintegrated and dusted off the sidekwalk. It shouldn’t be a problem, sir.”

                The Old Man let out one more horselaugh. Without looking at the young uniformed man standing behind him he said, “If it shouldn’t be a problem then why in the seven hells would you take time and effort to bother me about it? Better yet, why bother me at all? Why not just dispose of them and not say a word? Isn’t that the usual policy? Isn’t that the policy I instated myself? Tell me, am I surrounded by fools and the like?”

                “Uh, sir?”

                The Old Man stood back up, turned around and patted the young uniformed man on the soldier. “Thanks for the update. Take the rest of the night off.”

                “Really, sir?”

                “Of course, of course.”

                “Well, thanks!”

                “One more thing. What’s your name, kid?”

                “Johann Sebastian Smith, sir.”

                The Old Man’s left eyebrow arched. “Really, kid?”

                “Yes, sir.”

                “That’ll be all, Smith.”

                Smith smiled and rushed back downstairs, more than relieved to be able to do so.

                The Old Man sat back down in his chair. He pushed a button and said, “Security? Have the man known as Johann Sebastian Smith taken away to the Chamber and his face blasted off with a ray gun. No, wait. Scratch that. Just torture the jerk.”

                “Aye, sir,” said the voice on the other side of the intercom built into the arm of the lawn chair the Old Man was sitting in.

                The Old Man sighed. I wonder, he thought, if it’s the same two bums from before.

                The two bums in question were still prowling around the streets, looking through garbage cans. One wore a floppy top hat while the other wore a flimsy bowler and the rest of their collective wardrobe was made of ratty shirts and holey pants. The one in the bowler wore no shoes. The bum in the top hat wore just one.

                “I feel like a cliché,” said the bum in the bowler.

                “You look like a bum,” said the bum in the top hat.

                “Maybe so. Oh, look. A half-eaten sandwich.” The bum in the bowler removed a mess of bread, lunch meat and some sort of rotting vegetable slice from the glistening dumpster. “Aw, gross. It has a tuna on it.”

                “I’ll take it,” the bum in the top hat. He snatched the sandwich from his comrade and took a bite. “Still fresh. You sure you don’t want it?”

                “Well, not anymore. You already bit off it. That’s disgusting.”

                “Suit yourself.” The bum in the top hat finished of the rancid meal and licked the sandwich’s grungy residue from his fingers. “You missed out, man. It was actually halfway decent. Better than that lobster you found the other day.”

                “Oh man that was delicious.”

                “Says you. You just don’t like sea food.”

                “That may be true but I stand my original point.”

                “And what was that?”

                “It’s still gross.”

                “Fair enough.”
                A fleet of hover cars suddenly pulled up and blocked the entrance to the alleyway the two bums were standing and rooting for garbage meals in.

                “Ah, you should’ve told me you were having company over. I would’ve gotten dressed up,” the bum in the bowler said.

                “Not my fault. No one RSVP’d. I had no idea.”

                “What is wrong with today’s society when people can just show up uninvited? Have we degenerated to dumb beasts?”

                “Speak for yourself.”

                A gaggle of uniformed men brandishing ray guns exited from the hover cars. Their weapons were aimed square at the two bums in the alleyway. “Don’t move,” they said. The uniformed men, not the bums.

                “Sorry, we’ve got a thing at a place,” the bum in the bowler hat said.

                “Oh yeah. I’d almost forgotten. My well-dressed friend is right. It’d be awfully impolite to just not show up to an appointment.”

                “Indeed and we don’t want to further contribute to the landslide that is the downfall of modern society.”

                “Y’know, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you were trying to make some sort of socio-political point with that last statement.”

                “Well that just goes to show you that you don’t know any better. At all.”

                “Fine with me.”
                “I said, ‘don’t move’,” the uniformed man said.

                “We hear and obey,” said the man in the bowler hat.

                “Bye!”

                And on that note the two bums took off into the dark alleyway that lurked behind them. The uniformed men fired their ray guns at the fleeing bums but were not able to strike their targets down.

                “Damn,” said the uniformed man in charge. “We’ve gotta blast those two quick. The sun’ll be up in a few hours. The boss ain’t gonna like this.”

                Some of the other uniformed men looked at their electronic sundials on their wrists. The captain was right. The sun would be up in a few hours, but then he was the captain. He would know such things.

                “C’mon. Let’s get moving.”

i could make a long and winding review of the avengers and analyse the shit outta it but that just seems pointless. the only question worth asking is “does it live up to the 4 year hype machine we’ve had to slosh through?” and the answer is yes.

I’m not a joss whedon fan and initially was kinda skeptical about him doing it the writing and directing (the writing more so) but he, to quote jim carrey, TOTALLY REDEEMED HIMSELF. 

in a way it’s kinda like tim burton’s first batman movie. it’s got that trademarked smell of its headmaster but it’s in a restrained way which works wonders apparently.

so yeah. long story short - go see it if you like action movies/superheroes/or just because it exists. it’s worth it.

beblach.

unfortunately MCA’s did. oh well. at least he was awesome while he was alive. good night sweet prince, we hardly knew ye and be all thy swag remembered - the good along with the ill…in’

mahalo.

Rusty grew up in a small town near a foggy lake. The lake was important because in the middle of the lake was a old eerie castle which just so happened to be the point where it seemed that all of the fog came from but no one really knew for sure. Rusty and his friends would sometimes swim out into the lake during the day to see who get out the farthest before having to turn back. The ultimate goal was to try to make it to the island with the castle but none of them could swim out that far so they always swam back to their home shore.

                Of course this was when they were kids and they lacked the proper arm and leg strength to actually swim out that far. However, even as teenagers they weren’t able to swim out that far. They never were able to reach the island.

                “We could take a boat,” Scott suggested one time.

                “Nah. That’s a good idea, but the old geezer ain’t gonna let us borrow one. He’s old.”

                “I don’t see how age has anything to do with it.”

                “Oh, it doesn’t. I’m just prejudiced against old people who are stingy with their stupid boats.”

                “A fair point.”

                The two of them had another friend named Ricky who always went around without a shirt because his family was poor.

                “Maybe we could get someone else to get us a boat,” he said during a different conversation while the three played Monopoly.

                “That could work, but who would want to take us out there?”

                “It’d have to be someone we know. We can’t go around getting lifts from strangers,” Scott said.

                “Actually we could. It’d just be severely unsafe,” Rusty said.

                “Maybe we should do it then,” Scott said. “I mean, we are trying to sneak up on a fog-spewing castle. Why be cautious?”

                “For the very reason you just said. We should get there safely then throw caution to the wind like a piss-stained shirt.”

                “Speaking of which,” Ricky piped up. “Make sure none of us are standing downwind when you do that next time!”

                “I’ll make promises when I’m prom king. I’m saving myself until then.”

                “Fine.”

                “So what’s the plan then?” Scott asked.

                Rusty sighed. “What do ya think?”

                “I dunno. That’s why I asked.”

                “We’re gonna ask the old geezer if we can borrow a boat.”

                “Aw man. Not this routine again.”

                “Hi. We want to borrow a boat.” Rusty said as he and his two friends arrived at the boat shop owned by an elderly man named Jason. He wasn’t very pleased to see this particular trio.

                “A boat, eh? Lemme guess – ya wanna row out to that island, do ya?”

                “Well, duh. What else is there to do in this one horse town?” Rusty asked.

                “We’re not a one horse town anymore,” Jason told him.

                “Oh yeah? Finally get a second horse did we?”

                “Nope. Old Polyphemus died just the other day,” Jason said.

                “Probably bit off more than he could chew,” Scott said.

                “Nope. Got murdered by a gang of mice.”

                “Well that just seems implausible.”

                “My thoughts exactly, but apparently the gang of mice managed to blind the old horse and then he fell into the swamp and drowned.”

                “At least he didn’t catch fire.”

                “No, but his owner did.”

                “Captain Halsey? How’d that happen?” Rusty asked. He was partially friends with Captain Halsey who taught school when the three of them were young. He wasn’t actually a captain. That was just his first name. Some people just assumed his parents had a weird sense of humor but in all truths they didn’t. They were actually quite dull people.

                “Spontaneous combustion. The bloke standing next to him went up in flames all of a sudden and apparently that stuff is contagious because a few minutes later Captain Halsey burned down, too.”

                “That’s a shame,” Rusty said. “He was actually halfway decent when compared to rest of subhuman mutants this town has produced.”

                “Hey! Don’t go badmouthing this town. It’s been here for you ever since you were wee babies.”

                “That’s cause it’s old and dusty. This town sucks. The only interesting thing is that castle. So give us a boat. We wanna find out if the castle is as interesting up close as it is from a distance.”

                “I can tell ya it’s not,” Jason said.

                “Oh yeah? You been there, old man?”

                “What? Of course not! Unlike you three I’m a respectable member of society who doesn’t go chasing waterfalls. I know when to leave well enough alone. It’s how I’ve lived so long. I can enjoy my  golden years now because of my level-headedness.”

                “Aren’t you like thirty-two or something?” Scott asked.

                “Shaddup about that,” Jason said. “Anyway, I’m not giving any of you or all of you a boat. Not to take out to that island. No sir. Spooky stuff happens out there and I won’t be held responsible for the terrible consequences that are likely to occur. So once again and hopefully for the last time, no. I will not give you a boat to take to that island.”

                “To the island? Nah, man. We wanna go fishing.” Rusty said.

                “Ooh. Clever.” Scott said.

                Rusty elbowed him.

                “So yeah. Can we borrow a boat for fishing or what?”

                Jason thought this over. And as he thought it over he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Time passed. Quite a bit of time and the three of them were getting antsy.

                “Well?”

                “Alright, fine. But just for fishing. Do not, and I repeat again, do not go to that island.”

                “Roger doger, old man.” Rusty said right before he and his two friends rushed off to find a boat.

                “Which one?” Scott asked.

                “I like that one,” Ricky said.

                “They all look the same to me,” Rusty said. “Just pick one.”

                “Okay!” Ricky hopped into the nearest boat. It started to sink. “Uh-oh.” Ricky looked down and saw that the bottom of the boat was filling up with water. “Aw crap.”

                “It’s got a hole in the bottom,” Scott said.

                “Nice job, bright eyes,” Rusty said. “Let’s take this one.” Rusty climbed into the boat and it didn’t sink.

                “Impeccable taste,” Scott said. He and Ricky climbed into the boat.

                “Okay, you two row and I’ll keep look out.” Rusty said.

                “Sounds like a plan, Scott said.

a list of my favorite books. so yeah.

1. Maniac Magee - Jerry Spinelli
2. On the Road: The Original Scroll - Jack Kerouac
3. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - Hunter S. Thompson
4. Ulysses - James Joyce
5. In His Own Write - John Lennon
6. StarCraft: Liberty’s Crusade - Jeff Grubb
7. Naked Lunch - William S. Burroughs
8. The Mutt: How to Skateboard and Kill Yourself - Rodney Mullen w/ Sean Mortimer
9. All We Are Saying: The Last Major Interview with John Lennon and Yoko Ono - David Scheff
10. FLCL - Yoji Enokido
11. Neverwhere - Neil Gaiman
12. Darkly Dreaming Dexter - Jeff Lindsay
13. Lamb - Christopher Moore
14. American Gods - Neil Gaiman
15. The Curse of Lono - Hunter S. Thompson
16. Finnegans Wake - James Joyce
17. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ‘72 - Hunter S. Thompson
18. Visions of Cody - Jack Kerouac
19. Fletch - Gregory MacDonald
20. Dune - Frank Herbert
21. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
22. The Thief of Always - Clive Barker
23. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
24. The Dharma Bums - Jack Kerouac
25. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist - Rachel Cohn & David Levithan
26. Red Harvest - Dashiell Hammet
27. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
28. The Old Man and the Sea - Ernest Hemingway
29. The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
30. Look Me in the Eye - John Elder Robison
31. Autobiography of Malcolm X - Malcolm X w/ Alex Haley
32. Helter Skelter - Vincent Bugliosi
33. Napalm & Silly Putty - George Carlin
34. I Rant, Therefore I Am - Dennis Miller
35. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer - Mark Twain
36. House of Leaves - Mark Z. Danielewski
37. Less Than Zero - Bret Easton Ellis
38. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk 
39. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest - Ken Kesey
40. Catch-22 - Joseph Heller
41. Howl and Other Poems - Allen Ginsberg
42. The Sea is My Brother - Jack Kerouac
43. The Sun Also Rises - Ernest Hemingway
44. Big Sur - Jack Kerouac
45. Othello - William Shakespeare
46. Waiting for Godot - Samuel Beckett
47. The Raven - Edgar Allan Poe
48. The Importance of Being Earnest - Oscar Wilde
49. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
50. A Scanner Darkly - Philip K. Dick

there are few more but i can’t think of them. either way - at the moment - these are the most relevant. oh, also Trainspotting. i haven’t finished it yet, but it’s pretty much already has a spot reserved on the list. good schtuff.

say what you want about newt gingrich - which everybody has by this point - but the old puffball stayed in this race far longer than he probably should’ve. the man is crazy. there’s a reason palin supported him - he’s the man she’ll become in a decade or two. gingrich’s campaign for the ivory watering hole was a rickety ride even in the early daze of this brutal election cycle - there were many times when it seemed like he was out only for him to float back up to the surface - bloated and slightly more delusional than before - and yet now the old boy is finally going down for the count - next week. even his concession is typical gingrich - he isn’t content to just bow out like his predecessors - he must ride this rusty rocket all the way to the bitter end - he’ll go down swinging and hitting nothing just as he’s done since the beginning - it’d be tragic if it wasn’t so comical - back in the early daze of the rat race he had the advantage of being slightly more grounded than his comtemporaries - Perry, Bachmann, & Cain (oy vey!) - who were all walking caricatures of political punchlines - but gringrich was never gonna be as acceptable as Romney or start as many fires as santorum - he was and is however more reknown than ron paul who i’m not even sure still exists - i suppose the soap box only carries his voice so far…

and maybe this isn’t the end of the old walnut yet - he still has the moon which he could very still colonize himself and declare himself King Cuckoo Bananas of the Sea of Tranquility - not that he even knows the meaning of that word; out of all of the candidates gingrich was one of them and i dislike(d) them all - even paul who by far the most insane but in that subdued PoliSci professor who’s been teaching a decade too long sort of way - gingrich is just classic crazy - he’d be a joke if he wasn’t so serious about his delusions - and so Romney is entirely confirmed as the Candidate…as of next week when the Grinch’s campaign will officially come to an end

were you surprised? - i wasn’t. i don’t think anyone was - but so it goes. again.

beblach.

“Hey, you!”

                The crook heard the words but didn’t stop. He had the purse firmly in hand and was well on his way to payday. This was his third payday this week. He wouldn’t be stopped by some flatfoot now. Said flatfoot gave chase but he wasn’t terribly quick on his feet and wasn’t able to hop the fences quite as fast as the crook.

                “Slow down! Or preferably, halt!”

                The crook laughed as he cleared a hedge. “Not this time, jerk!”

                The flatfoot was out of breath. He had slowed down too much to able to clear the hedge with the same speed and effortless as the crook was able to. He was breathing hard and practically wheezing as he came up to it. He hunched over, trying to catch his breath.

                “Oh man. I’m getting too old for this,” he said, mostly to himself. He walked around, looking for a way around the hedge. He couldn’t find one so he sucked in his fatigue and hefted himself up over the hedge one leg at a time. Once he was over he lost his footing and fell headfirst onto the ground.

                “Aw crap! Who put that ground there?”

                He picked himself up and inhaled deeply. He took a moment to gather his wits and took off again after the crook.

                The flatfoot ran at a moderate pace as he kept a look out for the wily crook. He wasn’t exactly sure where his quarry had gone and it was unlikely the crook had kept running in the same direction. That would just be stupid.

                And yet that was apparently exactly what the crook had done. He wasn’t that much further along than the flatfoot was. The flatfoot found the crook struggling with a large brute of a dog that had a hold of the crook’s left leg.

                “Leggo, you dumb mutt,” the crook growled.

                The dog shook the crook’s pants leg even more violently upon hearing that. She wasn’t a fan of being called dumb.

                The flatfoot laughed softly as he approached casually. It was a nice change of pace. He wasn’t exactly the athletic type and he knew it. “Just my luck.”

                “This is totally unfair,” the crook said. “Stupid dog. You’re making me look bad.”

                The flatfoot grabbed the crook by the back of his white and black striped shirt. “Hand over the purse.”

                The crook grumbled under his breath as he forfeited his prize to the grubby hands of the flatfoot. The flatfoot placed the purse on the ground before he pulled out his handcuffs and slapped them on the wrists of the crook. The dog was still latched firmly to the pants leg of the crook.
                “Down, Princess,” the flatfoot said.

                The dog growled before letting go and sitting down happily. The flatfoot smiled as he petted the dog’s head.

                “Good girl, Princess.”

                The dog barked twice.

                “Totally unfair. They shouldn’t allow dogs. It’s just not fair.”

                “Yes. You keep saying that as if someone cares. Alas, no one does. Off to jail with you then.”

                The crook sighed. “Man, this is bunk. My score is gonna be busted for weeks.”

                “Yeah, well, so it goes. You knew the risks involved.”
                “Yeah, yeah. Just take me to jail, will ya?”

                “No problem,” the flatfoot said. “I was heading that way anyway.”

                “Congrats, Daniel. Another victory for the flatfoots,” Rusty said as Daniel brought the crook to the desk in the foyer of the jail. Rusty stood there, leaning against the desk as Daniel approached.

                “Yes, well, of course. I have a reputation to protect.”

                “More like a title. I saw you out there, y’know. You’re slow. What the hell happened?”

                “Retirement. Who was I kidding?”

                “Just yourself, apparently. Sup, Ricky?”

                The crook made a face. “Yeah, hey.”

                “I’ve never seen this kid before,” Daniel said. “He new?”

                “Yeah, something like that. He was actually doing pretty well for a while. Till tonight anyway.”

                “Yes, I noticed.”

                “Can we get this over with?” Ricky asked.

                “Of course,” Daniel said. To the person sitting behind the desk he said, “Trevor, process the crook.”

                “Already two steps ahead of ya,” Trevor said, not even looking up from his computer screen. “Nice to have you back, Dan.”

                “It’s Daniel to you.”

                “Whatever.”

                Rusty and Daniel sat in the cafeteria the next day.

                “You hitting the gym soon?” Rusty asked.

                “Yes, later today actually. I need to get back in the swing of things.”

                “It’s really good to have you back. Most of the flatfoots now are either too lazy or too caught up in themselves to be any good at the game. The crooks have a huge lead over us now.”

                “I haven’t had a chance to check the scoreboards yet. What a sad state, eh? Can’t believe you let those lowlifes get the better of you.”

                “Hey man, I’ve more or less been carrying the whole team myself.”

                “Not much of an excuse, really. Who’s captain now?”

                “You remember Andrew?”

                “Yeah.”

                “Well, it’s not him.”

                “Huh. Surprising. I always assumed he’d be the captain one day.”

                “Yeah, maybe one day. Not today though. It’s the chief’s nephew, Jason.”

                Daniel nearly choked. “What.”

                “Yep. For reals. He’s el new capitan up ins.”

                Daniel made a disgusted face. “This chicken fried steak is gross. Also, nepotism. I never thought I’d see the day.”

                Rusty shrugged. “Maybe you shoulda stayed retired.”

                Daniel shuddered. “Urgh. No. It’s best I’m back. This place is obviously on the fast track to hell without my being around to keep it on the straight and narrow.”

                “You’re such a humble man, Dan.”

                Daniel took a sip from his cup of Husker Dew. “Myes. Quite.”

op op op. another list. how long O lord how long must we endure? idk. this one is about music (albums). anywayz, here we go. again.

1. ( ) - Sigur Ros
2. Aim and Ignite - Fun.
3. The White Album - The Beatles
4. Illmatic - Nas
5. Graduation - Kanye West
6. Some Nights - Fun
7. Hunky Dory - David Bowie
8. The Listening - LIGHTS
9. Of June - Owl City
10. All Things Bright and Beautiful - Owl City
11. Abbey Road - The Beatles
12. Let It Be - The Beatles
13. Nevermind the Bollocks - Sex Pistols
14. American Idiot - Green Day
15. Distant Cousins - Nas & Damian Marley
16. Bleu Noir - Mylene Farmer
17. A Hundred Million Suns - Snow Patrol
18. Viva la Vida - Coldplay
19. Running With Scissors - Weird Al Yankovic
20. For Lack of A Better Name - Deadmau5
21. Discovery - Daft Punk
22. Elliott Smith - Elliott Smith
23. From a Basement on a Hill - Elliott Smith
24. House of Balloon - The Weeknd
25. Songs for Silverman - Ben Folds
26. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
27. Deloused in the Comatorium - Mars Volta
28. (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? - Oasis
29. Don’t Believe the Truth - Oasis
30. Revolver - The Beatles
31. Rubber Soul - The Beatles
32. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix - Phoenix
33. Scary Monsters & Super Creeps - David Bowie
34. Elephant Shell - Tokyo Police Club
35. Return to the Sea - Islands
36. xx - The xx
37. Picaresque - The Decemberists
38. Chaos and Creation in the Backyard - Paul McCartney
39. Plastic Ono Band - John Lennon
40. Demon Days - Gorillaz
41. Plastic Beach - Gorillaz
42. Stainless Style - Neon Neon
43. Give Up - The Postal Service
44. Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin
45. In Through the Out Door - Led Zeppelin
46. Physical Graffiti - Led Zeppelin
47. Fast Times at Barrington High - The Academy Is…
48. The Red Album - Weezer
49. Viva la Cobra - Cobra Starship
50. A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out - Panic! at the Disco

man i’m already making another stupid list. this one is about movies (in case you skipped the title for some reason). so yeah. it’ll be longer than my last list.

1. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
2. In Bruges
3. Over the Hedge
4. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
5. The Blues Brothers
6. Akira 
7. The Great Dictator
8. Meet the Robinsons
9. Aladdin
10. Beauty and the Beast
11. Fantasia
12. Charlie’s Angels
13. Batman Forever
14. Clerks II
15. Mallrats
16. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
17. No Country For Old Men
18. Up
19. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
20. South Park - Bigger, Longer, & Uncut
21. Two of Us
22. A Hard Day’s Night
23. Fist of Fury
24. Legend of the Drunken Master
25. Ip Man
26. Fearless
27. The One
28. How I Won The War
29. The Muppets
30. Adventureland
31. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist
32. Yellow Submarine
33. Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me
34. Shrek
35. Toy Story
36. The Adventures of Tintin
37. Duck Soup
38. To Kill A Mockingbird
39. 12 Angry Men
40. When Harry Met Sally…
41. It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
42. Taken
43. Moon
44. Platoon
45. King Kong (original)
46. Amadeus
47. Fargo
48. Mozart and The Whale
49. Snatch
50. Lawrence of Arabia
51. Metropolis
52. M
53. Magnificent Seven
54. Fistful of Dollars
55. Goodfellas
56. Hugo
57. eXistenZ
58. A Scanner Darkley
59. Sherlock Holmes - Game of Shadows
60. Billy Madison

i could actually go on forever, but i’m gonna stop here. so yeah. laterz.

i like to make lists. i don’t know why. it’s just a weird compulsion i have. so here’s a list of my favorite anime shows. i mostly watched anime when i was in middle school so most of them will probably be from that period (the early days of Adult Swim) but a few are from later days.

1. Cowboy Bebop
2. FLCL
3. Trigun
4. Android Kikaider
5. Akira
6. Eden of the East
7. FullMetal Alchemist Brotherhood
8. Baccano!
9. Samurai Champloo
10. Mobile Suit Gundam - 8th MS Team
11. Gundam X
12. Soul Eater

and yeah. that’s pretty much. completely pointless but then so is everything else i post on here. beblach.

The horns blared, piercing the morning air with their brassy screeching. Scott and Rusty were both awoken by the hollowly sounds of the court horns.

                “Every single morning,” Scott moaned. His ears felt burned by the scratchy notes of the court horns. “You’d think they’d find a less annoying hobby.”

                “And yet you complain every morning. It’s all a vicious cycle,” Rusty said.

                As they made their respective beds Scott said, “I wouldn’t complain if I didn’t get woken up every single morning by a bunch of band geeks!”

                “Point taken. C’mon. Let’s get going though. His majesty doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”
                Scott rolled his eyes. “Don’t I know it?” He couldn’t quite get his bed made so he just gave up and ruffled up the comforter intentionally as if in protest of his own inability to make up a bed.

                The two of them left the dormitory and headed off towards the castle. Along the way they ran into Andrew, one of their many co-workers but one of the few they actually associated with or learned the name of.

                “You guys are late. Again. His highness is gonna be mad. Again.”

                “His highness is a royal pain,” Scott said.

                “As much as I hate to agree with numb nuts here, I, uh, have to. His highness can be something of a slave driver,” Rusty added.

                “Chyeah. Who else was gonna build the pyramid? Serfs? As if.”

                “Y’know, I’ve never truly understood the difference between slaves and serfs,” Rusty admitted.

                “Why did he even have that pyramid built?” Scott asked. “We live nowhere near a freaking desert.”

                “His highness works in mysterious ways,” Andrew said.

                “So does syphilis.”

                “Indeed.”

                The three of them split once they entered the castle proper. Andrew headed to the throne room as was his destination already while Scott and Rusty had to report to the armor room to suit up. Once they were properly equipped they headed off to the throne room where the rest of their coworkers were already awaiting along with the increasingly impatient king.

                “You, sirs, are so late.” The king lay sideways across his throne. Large banners bearing his likeness hung behind him on the wall as well draped along the other three walls. The glass windows in the throne room also bore his face and the carpet the knights all stood on also contained his likeness. The throne, in essence, was one big shrine to the still-living king.

                “We’re always late,” Scott said.

                “Indeed,” Rusty agreed. “Nothing new there, yer highness. I’d actually like it if we can just get to business. What’s on the agenda for today? Another series of jousts to appease the peasants?”

                The other knights groaned. They were tired of jousting. They’d done it practically every day for the past year. It’d gotten old long ago, but the peasants and common folk still ate it up with big wooden spoons more and more each time.

                “Man, if I have to do one more stupid joust I’m gonna…uh, do…something…” Scott said, losing his train of thought.

                “Bitch and moan like always?” Andrew asked.

                “Yeah! That’s the ticket. Thanks, Sir Andy.”

                “Don’t call me that.”

                The king tossed and turned on his golden throne, his skinny frame getting lost in his kingly robes. He took off his crown and examined his reflection in it for a minute or so. He put it back on. “Okay. We’ll take a break from jousts. Besides, there’s an actual important job I need you people to do. Pretty sure most of you won’t live through it.”

                “Is it anything like that catapult to the moon idea you had two years ago?” Scott asked.

                “We lost a lot of good knights that week,” Rusty said.

                “And my cat.” Andrew added.

                “Yes, yes. We all lost something.” The king said. “For example, I…”

                “Oh god,” the knights collectively groaned. They all knew what was coming next.

                “…lost ALL of my clothes!”

                “Oh god.”

                In a flash the king had cast off his royal robes and stood proudly, legs arched with a foot on each arm of his throne, his hands on his hips which were thrust forward and the crown still sitting heavily on his head. The knights averted their eyes.

                “What a travesty,” the king mused mournfully but with a cheerful grin. “To lose one’s clothes so abruptly. What do you think, loyal court jester? How would you cheer up a king who’s so obviously distraught?”

                Daniel, the court jester, sighed. “With an arrow the face,” he muttered.

                “What was that? Speak up. I can’t hear you when you mumble bitterly to yourself.”

                Daniel sighed again. He quickly masked his displeasure by slapping a big smile on his face and then dancing around in front of the king’s throne, taking extra care not to make eye contact with the less pleasant parts of the king’s birthday suit. As he danced he swung around his jingle bell hat, making the king giggle like a toddler.

                “More, more!”

                Daniel took a deep breath and launched into a ridiculously intricate river dance performance that lasted for a good half hour. He finally finished with an impressive ending pose that some have said would make even the blind smile.

                The king yawned.

“That’s enough, jester. You need to work on your timing. Your little ballet goes on for way too long. His majesty can’t be expected to stay with it,” said the other court jester. He was an older jester before Daniel was brought in based entirely on word that had spread from kingdom to kingdom about this prodigy who’d been jesting since he was four.

Daniel glared at the older jester. “I’ll work on it.”

“There is some subtext going on here that I am just not comfortable with,” Andrew said.

“I agree.”

Rusty said, “Yo, yer highness. What are we supposed to be doing today? You said it was important.”

The king looked over at the knights who were still averting their eyes. “Oh yes. I remember now. Some of you may have heard the rumors of a dragon out on the borderlands causing mischief, well, those rumors are true. Except for the mischief part. It’s actually just murdering villagers and burning stuff to the ground. Not really mischievous. So yeah. I want all of you to go out and slay the dragon.”

There was a noticeable pause.

“Are you freakin’ nuts?” Scott asked. “I’m not fighting a stupid dragon. I’m not trained for that!”

“None of us are,” Andrew pointed out.

“Are we getting any sort of special training or equipment for this gig? I feel like we’re gonna need it.”

“Nope,” the king grinned. “We burned up a lot of coin last month.”

“Oh right. The coin-melter.”

The king nodded eagerly. “Yep, yep. You can take whatever you can carry with you from the weapon room. Except for horses. You’ll have to ride those. Unless you can carry one, but then that guy wouldn’t have any problem fighting a dragon. Well, have fun.”

The knights sighed collectively. They knew that most of them probably wouldn’t be coming back from this. And some were actually okay with that outcome, provided it wasn’t a prolonged experience.

y’know, you’d think any movie featuring the cast of jersey shore would automatically be terrible but if there’s one thing that i’ve learned from watching the new episodes of Beavis & Butthead is that they are an excellent source of cannon fodder. and that’s pretty much all you need to know about the Jersey Shore segment(s) of the 3 Stooges flick. 

other than that the movie is basically exactly what you’d expect from anything with the 3 Stooges branding slapped on it. it’s loaded with slapstick and puns and the 3 actors they got to play the stooges are spot on especially the guy they got to play curley. the dude IS curley. i mean, he looks just like him and all 3 of them got the mannerisms and speed patterns down.

the movie tries to explain why they act like the OG stooges despite taking place in the present (aka 2011-ish) - they were raised in a nun-run orphanage and it was just instilled in them from day one (literally, the slapstick starts when they’re in still diapers on the orphanage doorstep). jane lynch plays the head penguin and larry david is plays a nun name Mengele. which to me is the best joke in the whole movie.

it’s a very Blues Brothers-type plot - the orpahange needs money (830,000 dollars) and they have like 30 days to get the money. but the plot is irrelevant. if you’re coming to a 3 Stooges flick looking for a nuanced story with 3-dimensional characters then you’re, uh, yeah. i don’t know who would do that. it’s always just been an excuse for the 3 to slap each other silly and that happens. alot.

when i saw the movie the place was filled with kids which is actually the primary audience for the stooges and that also makes it just as enjoyable for people who did grow up watching the stooges (like me and millions of others). some probably won’t see it just because of the Jersey Shore bits, but really those parts would even more enjoyable to those people for the obvious reasons.

it makes sense that the farrelly brothers made this movie - i mean, have you SEEN dumb & dumber? and indeed, that’s the nut. if you don’t like silly comedies you won’t like it. if you do - you will. simple as that.

huh. probably coulda just said that instead of going on and on about all that. oh well. 

laterz.